getting a fix

Specifically:

I am sitting on a green couch chair in the Ham Center Lobby. There are soccer players in here kicking around the ball and can you believe that? Now, I am watching two persons begin to sit intimately in a hammock, earlier I watched said persons accompany friends to dorms and ride and yelling (singing??) on their bikes, I believe they were drunk or high on friend love, whichever. And now I am thinking about how two of these people broke up and now one of them is in a hammock with one of their mutual friends. I wouldn't be paying close attention if she hadn't been back and forth from rooms with urgent looks riding her face. (back to me: my feet are up on another green chair, I am surrounded by hardware and I put my hair up too and I'm wearing my pink Dali shirt and blue jeans and jelly sandals with gems (crystals) on them maybe this is tmi but I am also wearing a sportsbra found on the freetable today, and I have one cigarette left)

Because I smoked so many cigarettes today, I've come to believe my face is covered in soot, like a chimney sweeper, I wipe it with my fingers, which, from this logic, are also covered in soot, I worry about the chimney zits I will have tomorrow, gargantuan chimney zits on my face from soot smoking. I can absolutely not stop chewing at my jaws or grinding them or something and some kids are playing soccer in the Ham Center Lobby at 2:36 AM. I spent a large portion of the last hour popping more pills and talking shop (uh) with a man who speaks very slowly and he was dull, though he gave me some beer.

What about people who go into jobs which prescribe psychadelic drugs for PTSD patients, do they take themselves seriously? Should there be a difference between recreation and labor? WHAT IF THERE WERE NOT. we ought, all of us, consume fashion, art and funfetti. We would all go to work to get high and watch anime or the Kardashians (JK NOT REALLY). If work were only fun than there would be a lot more weed farms, there would be more dance halls and more music making and more fun looking buildings with hidden tunnels and twists and turns and more sex probably too. Harry Potter Universe in the entire Universe.


what about stairs? lately stairs have been coming up a lot for me lately *no pun intended (pun intended). I hate stairs. they are difficult to walk up. I could walk up a mountain sure! I could walk up a ramp or walk up an elevator... but stairs present my body with a non organic maneuver (knees straight up??), vertically! HOW DIFFICULT. my thighs are not made for San Fran or even 2 story houses. HERE IS A SECRET: my room is upstairs and often I am so exhausted when I finally get there I just want to collapse on the floor, I have trained myself, due to bullying, to hide my tiredness to others, and pretend I want to breathe normally and be more active after climbing those stairs, but I don't. I want to pant and sweat and sometimes cry (not usually cry, crying is usually in conjunction with climbing stairs and other emotional stressers).

Now the soccer players are gone and my paper is still not writ, HOLY CRAP I ONLY HAVE 6 hours. is what I should be thinking. Instead, I'm pretty relaxed. I could listen to a rap artist who talked about drinking lemonade and be okay with it. I should listen to Philip Glass and feel intense and powerful, emotionally. that is not what I will do though.

the man who I was talking to said: "you are so damn uncensored!"
besides, did he even really mean that, I AM NOT

if I could I might name a kid 'reconciliation'- I think its a beautiful word.